Merry Christmas everybody!
I hope you are all gorging yourselves on various delectable dishes at lunch locations wherever you may be.
Today, in the Festive Spirit of Sharing, I would like to share with you my newfound expertise in Trifle Transportation.
Last night, the Bodacious Blonde Zombie Lover (an extremely attractive friend of mine) invited a cluster of other zombiephiles to her house for Christmas Eve festivities. Some were to make Eggnog, some prepared Gammon and the BBZL even planned to construct a Genuine Gingerbread House. My mission, since I chose to propose it, was to Bring A Trifle.
Making a trifle is very easy (as long as you’re the kind of person who can follow the instructions on a packet of jelly) so I won’t cover that here. One thing I will quickly note, however, is that sponge cake can soak up a great deal of rum. So if you were planning to drink any of the rum, do that before you start making the trifle.
How To Transport A Trifle In 10 Rather Tricky Steps
- Obtain large, shallow, precariously-balanced glass bowl.
- Fill almost to the brim with trifle, making sure that jelly is not set and that custard is very runny.
Note the carefully stencilled pattern on top. Nope, it didn’t work at all.
- Pick up bowl and observe how trifle sloshes. It should resemble a cream tsunami.
- Pour large glass of wine. (For nerve-calming purposes.)
If you didn’t use all the rum in the trifle, you could substitute rum for wine.
- Buy XBox Kinect combo set. Take out XBox and Kinect unit (you can throw them away or use them as doorstops) but keep box. This is your Trifle Transportation Unit (TTU).
The TTU can be stored in the garage. Small amounts of dust and worm-damage do not diminish its effectiveness.
- Wrap cling film around top of bowl and place bowl in TTU.
The TTU comes with encouraging, if somewhat confusing, instructions.
- Place old towel on floor of car. Place TTU on old towel.
Thanks to the TTU, this need not be the last time you ever have a Trifle-Free Car.
- Wedge TTU in with more old towels and car seat.
A large supply of old towels is essential. As is a very small car.
- Drive very very very very very smoothly, avoiding acceleration, braking, turning and all hills.
- Arrive at destination and scream helplessly until someone opens door for you.
I fear that it’s probably too late to be of use to you this year, and that many of you may already be suffering from Cream On The Car Carpets and Custard In The Lap. But I feel proud to know that next year, when you again face the Terror of Trifle Transportation, you may just escape unscathed thanks to this handy little guide.
No thanks are necessary. Think of this as my Christmas gift to you.
Ho ho ho.
100 Lunches 
Hysterical, but highly effective.