Not-A-Lunch #1: How To Transport A Trifle

Merry Christmas everybody!

I hope you are all gorging yourselves on various delectable dishes at lunch locations wherever you may be.

Today, in the Festive Spirit of Sharing, I would like to share with you my newfound expertise in Trifle Transportation.

Last night, the Bodacious Blonde Zombie Lover (an extremely attractive friend of mine) invited a cluster of other zombiephiles to her house for Christmas Eve festivities. Some were to make Eggnog, some prepared Gammon and the BBZL even planned to construct a Genuine Gingerbread House. My mission, since I chose to propose it, was to Bring A Trifle.

Making a trifle is very easy (as long as you’re the kind of person who can follow the instructions on a packet of jelly) so I won’t cover that here. One thing I will quickly note, however, is that sponge cake can soak up a great deal of rum. So if you were planning to drink any of the rum, do that before you start making the trifle.

How To Transport A Trifle In 10 Rather Tricky Steps

  1. Obtain large, shallow, precariously-balanced glass bowl.
  2. Fill almost to the brim with trifle, making sure that jelly is not set and that custard is very runny.

    Note the carefully stencilled pattern on top. Nope, it didn’t work at all.

  3. Pick up bowl and observe how trifle sloshes. It should resemble a cream tsunami.
  4. Pour large glass of wine. (For nerve-calming purposes.)

    If you didn’t use all the rum in the trifle, you could substitute rum for wine.

  5. Buy XBox Kinect combo set. Take out XBox and Kinect unit (you can throw them away or use them as doorstops) but keep box. This is your Trifle Transportation Unit (TTU).

    The TTU can be stored in the garage. Small amounts of dust and worm-damage do not diminish its effectiveness.

  6. Wrap cling film around top of  bowl and place bowl in TTU.

    The TTU comes with encouraging, if somewhat confusing, instructions.

  7. Place old towel on floor of car. Place TTU on old towel.

    Thanks to the TTU, this need not be the last time you ever have a Trifle-Free Car.

  8. Wedge TTU in with more old towels and car seat.

    A large supply of old towels is essential. As is a very small car.

  9. Drive very very very very very smoothly, avoiding acceleration, braking, turning and all hills.
  10. Arrive at destination and scream helplessly until someone opens door for you.

I fear that it’s probably too late to be of use to you this year, and that many of you may already be suffering from Cream On The Car Carpets and Custard In The Lap. But I feel proud to know that next year, when you again face the Terror of Trifle Transportation, you may just escape unscathed thanks to this handy little guide.

No thanks are necessary. Think of this as my Christmas gift to you.

Ho ho ho.

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Lunch #9: Rhino-Poaching Protesting outside Parliament

Today we were sitting in the office listening to the sounds of vuvuzelas and car horns. Out there, in front of Louis Botha’s horse, in front of the South African Parliament, was a bakkie with a full-size fake rhino on the back surrounded by lots of people dressed in red and black waving placards with slogans like ‘Rhino Horns don’t make you horny”.

People like Gareth Morgan (Shadow Minister of Water & Environmental Affairs and frequent travel companion of the Yummy Politician) were tweeting photos of themselves with placards with slogans like ‘Rhino Horn Won’t Cure Your Disease. Leave Our Rhinos Alone.’

I feel very annoyed about rhino poaching and I too wanted to wave a placard with a slogan. I listened to the vuvuzelaing and horn tooting impatiently, hoping that they’d stick around until I could take my official lunch break (strictly between 1 and 2pm).

Free at last, I approached the seething horde of 40 people with caution. They were dressed in red and black, so I wasn’t sure if this was a repeat of Saturday’s Anti-Secrecy Bill march. (That was my first-ever march. And this would be my first-ever protest. I think activism may be a virus.) I didn’t really feel like protesting the Secrecy Bill twice in one week.

Fortunately, they were there about rhinos and, even more fortuitously, I happened to be wearing the right colour scheme. (It’s very important to wear the right colours for these things. I felt terribly out of place in bright blue on Saturday’s march.)

Unfortunately, the protest seemed to be winding up as I arrived. Clumps of protesters were waving good-bye and then driving past, honking their horns and waving their placards with slogans out of the windows. A fire engine also zoomed by with its siren going, but I think that was unrelated.

I stayed on to the bitter end, until even the rhino had left, waving a placard with a slogan that said, ‘Save A Rhino. Convict A Poher’.

Proudly Placard-Porting Poacher Pesterer